2009's Resolutions.

Well, ironically - me being a Christian, it seems that my new year has started out on "Chinese New Year"... making 2008 one of the longest years I ever lived..

You know, everybody has a threshold. A limit which people can push, and beyond that... they just die - or run away for that matter.
Since I can't run away from SAF, my heart to serve the army has finally given up.

A thankless job is bad enough, but a thankless job where people berate you on a daily basis, spread false rumors about your department and look at your men with scorn. There's a limit.

Men's health wrote an article this week about "burnout". - exactly how my department is working now.


Anyway, as usual (but a little late), I have to make a list of resolutions that I plan to complete by the end of 2009.
sigh... sometimes life gives you pain, but if pain doesn't kill you - it can only make you stronger..

at least that's my idea I take with me to the gym everytime I step inside the arena.



TEN RESOLUTIONS. ONE OUTCOME : SUCCESS.

1) Save up for a true synthesizer/arranger, along with a sequencer.
Difficulty Rating : 8/10
The total cost for an arranger, a sequencer and of course the MIDI dongle that allows communication with PC would amount up to about $4000++ at least. This is the second step in my ultimate goal of cutting an album.
I'll have to save up at least 50% of my money every month, along with finding a freelance job outside to finance the requirement. The first step is to get the synth and the dongle at least.
Time Given - 1 year


2) Refresh my Grade 8 practical.
Difficulty Rating : 4/10
Its been almost 6 years since the time I finished my Grade 8. I think its about time to refresh it.
I'll have to find 3 grade 8 songs that sound nice (not easy!), and commit to finishing it in about 6 months.
Time Given - 6 months


3) Obtain my Car License.
Difficulty Rating : 3/10
I think I've procrastinated too long already, putting away the practical lessons due to monetary and time constraints. Its time to finish what I started long time ago.
I'll have to finance about $120 a month/4 lessons. Then I'll finish it in 3 months.
Time Given - 3 months


4) Obtain my Coporal First Class rank
Difficulty Rating : [0-10]/10
The difficulty rating being so high varies on the amount of commitment I want to allocate to my work. Now being 10/10 because of the utter lack of motivation and love for my work.
I need to find something to love in my work. For my ownself. The CFC rating is a forgone tribute for the ICs in my department. And of course, pass my frigging SBJ. (surprised?)
Time Given - 5 months

5) Decide if I want to continue studying or work, - and act on it.
Difficulty Rating : 7/10
Now that my portfolio is destroyed, I don't really have much to show any university... I don't even have much to show to any company that hires me. But like it or not, cruel life still goes on and I have to make one of the most important decisions in my life - to continue studying or start working.
If I choose to work, I need to find a company who will accept a video producer who will work freelance initially, then full time.
If I choose to go to university, I need to make a convincing report of my achievements, and I need to apply to many, many universities.
Time Given : 2 MONTHS

6) Take Alvin on a really long relaxing vacation.
Difficulty Rating : 5/10
I promised to go on a holiday with him last year, and I'm yet to fulfill that promise. This time I'll make it up twice. No shopping, no stress, no work - just pure relaxation; watching the rippling waves, setting sun and cool sea breeze; finding tasty food and just contemplating.
I'll need to wait for at last 3 months starting from February, when my dear will finally have finish his BMT, get inducted into his new unit and finally be able to clear his leave(s) or off(s).
It'll cost about $1000

7) Run at least 3 10km and above runs this year.
Difficulty Rating : 6/10
The difficulty is kinda high, because I plan to be able to run Army and Standard Chartered 21km at the end of this year. I can't really imagine how on earth am I going to do it, but I still wanna try. Thus I think I'll become much leaner by the end of this year as I'm concentrating on building endurance and definition this year.
I'll need to do my 1o km runs at least 5 times a month, on top of the standard weekly army runs. Quite tough, considering my abnormal schedule.
It'll cost about $70+


8) Get a clear answer from God - read: NOT HUMANS. About His stance on Homosexuality.
Difficulty Rating : [0-99]/10
It really depends if he wants to talk about it. If he wants to hold his silence, I'll never be able to find an answer too.
And no. I am not going to look to the Bible for answers. To me, the Bible is a book of chains that promise freedom. It is the LAW which describes the source of LIFE.
I'm going to ask him directly.
It can cost me my life.

9) Eliminate the last bit of scars from my face.
Difficulty Rating : 5/10
I think I'm kinda happy with the improvement on my face. Haha. Sounds stupid. But if you saw me like 5 years ago, you might think differently.
Needless to say, I need to step up on my regime. I've been slacking a bit. But alot still needs to be done.
It should cost me about $80 per month.
Time given : 8 months

10) Get my abs.
Difficulty Rating : 2/10
Stupid resolution that I keep making every year. I'm starting to wonder if it's within the genes for me NOT to get it. But considering the amout of endurance training I'm doing this year, I think if I don't get it, I'll be quite surprised, after all its just that stubborn little layer of fat aroud the waist! ARRGH.
I need to complete 6 series of cables, 12 series of cruches, 12 series of sit ups, 6 series of leg raises, 3 series of obliques resistance and 3 series of roman chairs every week.
Not much difficulty as I'm already almost doing it every week.
Time given : 5 Months



well.. This is about it. My usual 10 resolutions per year.
There are some resolutions in my mind that I wanna do, but the time span might cross over a year.
This are some of my ultimate goals within 5 years

A. Cut a professional music album with the ASH
B. Show that a hardcore gymmer CAN run 42km
C. Go to university
D. Start returning my dad and mum their investment on me
E. Find a good, stable job at a media company

F. I finally received an answer (re:8)
Route 1 : [The Green Light Option] I will put my full strength, and with God's help create one of the strongest christian community where homosexuals can be fully assured about their sexuality and that there is no condemnation
Route 2 : [The Red Light Option] I will ask God to change me. Through fire and storms, pain and agony. And if He will not, I will ask why again.
Route 3 : [No Light] There is no question now. I will still believe in God, but never again like how it was like in the past... I will still worship. But love, I think not.





zzz.. I wrote so much.
But this is one of my more important articles in a year.
=)

I leave on a happy note! I got half day off today! xD


ciAoz~!

you're back!... and I'm not about to let you leave my side...
*hugs*


I love you dear

Help Me God...

I wonder how it must have felt
When David stood to face Goliath on a hill
I imagine that he shook with all his might
Until You took his hand, and held on tight

'Cause You were there, You were there
In the midst of danger's snare
You were there, You were there always
You were there when the hardest fight
Seemed so out of reach
Oh, You were there, You were always there
You were always there

So there he stood upon that hill
Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill
But God in all his sovereignty had bigger plans
And just in time, You brought a lamb

'Cause You were there,
You were there
In the midst of the unclear
You were there, you were there always
You were there when obedience
Seemed to not make sense
You were there, You were always there
You were always there

So haven't I learned that my ways
Aren't as high as Yours are
And You alone keep the universe
From crumbling into dust
You are God and though we would
Not have understood You
There You were

Hanging blameless on a cross
You would rather die than leave us in the dark
Every moment, every planned coincidence
Just all makes sense
With Your last breath

You were there, You were there
During history’s darkest hour
You were there, You were there always
You were the Victor and the King
You were the power in David's swing
You were the calm in Abraham
You are the God who understands
You are the strength when we have none
You are the living, Holy one
You were, You are and You will always be
the Risen Lamb of God

You were, You are and You will always be
The Risen Lamb of God

`- Avalon

where are you God...
where are you now...
you promised you would be with me always...

Why are all these things happening to me?

Are you there, when it seems impossible to win the battle against such wicked tyranny?
I'm trembling with all my might now...
Its really happening to me...

I can't win against such hate against my people...

Hold my hand, my God.
Whisper into my ear and tell me you are there...
Be my shield and my fortress...
And I will praise you all the days of my life...

Are you there, when all my life work shatters into nothingness? When I fall down from such a height, such a confidence... That I feel I may not ever recover again?
I lost my battle...
But I realized that it has been my own battle I have been fighting all along..

God, in all His sovereignty - had better plans
Lead me, my God.
Push me into the path that leads to your battle.
I don't want to be fighting for myself...
I want to be fighting for you..
And when the battle is won, I will hug you so close and I know you will say I fought well...


Dear God...
It seems so bleak now... I can't even move..
No... I don't even know where to move now...
I can't get into university without my portfolio now.. is it Your will?

I really don't understand...
You gave me this song, and it seems that my whole future is so unclear now..

I worked for you, and I worked hard...

Will you forsake your servant?

Why do you let this happen to me?

I thought you said that you love me...


is this how you treat the child you love?


my life is at its darkest moments and hardest crossroads... and just when I'm about to take a step forward, your light suddenly disappears...

I've lost so much faith and trust..

oh God... you held me so close before.. where are you now?

where are you now????!!!!

I do not doubt that You exist, because I know you do..
but you said that you love me.
if by dying on the cross satisfies everything, I want to die on the cross too..

you said that you love me...


father... prove it.

Contend, O LORD, with those who contend with me;
fight against those who fight against me.

Take up shield and buckler;
arise and come to my aid.

Brandish spear and javelin
against those who pursue me.
Say to my soul,
"I am your salvation."

May those who seek my life
be disgraced and put to shame;
may those who plot my ruin
be turned back in dismay.

May they be like chaff before the wind,
with the angel of the LORD driving them away;

may their path be dark and slippery,
with the angel of the LORD pursuing them.

Since they hid their net for me without cause
and without cause dug a pit for me,

May ruin overtake them by surprise—
may the net they hid entangle them,
may they fall into the pit, to their ruin.

Then my soul will rejoice in the LORD
and delight in his salvation.

My whole being will exclaim,
"Who is like you, O LORD ?
You rescue the poor from those too strong for them,
the poor and needy from those who rob them."

Ruthless witnesses come forward;
they question me on things I know nothing about.

They repay me evil for good
and leave my soul forlorn.

Yet when they were ill, I put on sackcloth
and humbled myself with fasting.
When my prayers returned to me unanswered,

I went about mourning
as though for my friend or brother.
I bowed my head in grief
as though weeping for my mother.

But when I stumbled, they gathered in glee;
attackers gathered against me when I was unaware.
They slandered me without ceasing.

Like the ungodly they maliciously mocked ;
they gnashed their teeth at me.

O Lord, how long will you look on?
Rescue my life from their ravages,
my precious life from these lions.

I will give you thanks in the great assembly;
among throngs of people I will praise you.

Let not those gloat over me
who are my enemies without cause;
let not those who hate me without reason
maliciously wink the eye.

They do not speak peaceably,
but devise false accusations
against those who live quietly in the land.

They gape at me and say, "Aha! Aha!
With our own eyes we have seen it."

O LORD, you have seen this; be not silent.
Do not be far from me, O Lord.

Awake, and rise to my defense!
Contend for me, my God and Lord.

Vindicate me in your righteousness, O LORD my God;
do not let them gloat over me.

Do not let them think, "Aha, just what we wanted!"
or say, "We have swallowed him up."

May all who gloat over my distress
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who exalt themselves over me
be clothed with shame and disgrace.

May those who delight in my vindication
shout for joy and gladness;
may they always say, "The LORD be exalted,
who delights in the well-being of his servant."

My tongue will speak of your righteousness
and of your praises all day long.

- Psalms 35
A song written by King David when he was distraught

2008 - The Year of Disaster.

2008 was quite a bad year.
sigh.
=/

I haven't consolidated my resolutions for 2009, but I guess one of my posts next week would be on it.

For now, on the 1st day of 2009, I'm going to try to review this entire year - in 4 quarters.

1st Quarter - January to March 2008.

• Just fresh out of BMT, got my posting to go SAF Ammunition Command to learn explosives and ammunition - was ecstatic
• Met some really good friends there, and some strange characters. But was an enlightening experience
• There were people who gave nice memories like Staff Sin, Darryl(s) and Xavier
• MMI gave me a strange report on Glycosuria. Apparently they needed to do a thorough analysis of my case. - my pes status was put on hold for another 3 months
• 1 year. I think I can count with 1 hand how many of my relationships actually more then a year. I hope everything turns out right...
• Decided to try my luck in NTU and NUS. - Chose the absolutely wrong courses. Economics. Forgot that I wasn't just competing with Polytechnics. Had China mathematics gods to contend with.

2nd Quarter - April to June 2008

• Ice cold. Relationship seemed to break down dramatically during that period. Arguments started to drag into unreasonable anger and it lasted for a long time. Almost gave up.
• Got a job writing street reviews for POIT, a PLU magazine. Got a bit to spend. But nothing ever seemed like enough.
• Decided to permernantly revive my hardcore gym routine. First day - almost destroyed my back.
  
• Final examinations for SAFAC. Decided to go easy on myself. Explosives seemed like an interesting subject at first, but as we studied the intricacies, I realized it wasn't so fun after all. ~ Passed. With flying colors.
  
• Was given the papers to got to this hellhole called "Mandai West Camp". Vomited blood. Wanted to go Nee Soon. Almost killed myself.
• Finally got my Ammunition Tech skill badge. Was ecstatic. I am one of the sparse minority of army personnel who has a skill badge and yet has a rank of a private.
• Was dumped into the Ammo Dump. Fascinating place. Opened my eyes to stuff I never thought possible. But still concrete = Depression.
• MMI report flew back 1 day before I could permanently seal my SGT rank in. I was downgraded to Pes C.
• Unable to stay in, Non-Combat fit and exemption from Outfield made me get kick out of SAFAC forever. After all, who needs an ammunition spec who can't handle explosives?
• I was relocated to paradise, aka Stagmont Camp...
  

3rd Quarter - July to October 2008

• The closest thing to SAF paradise would probably be this. - Stagmont Camp.
  
• Life was good. I had just one room to myself, as long as I made sure that it was in order, everything would be good. - so I thought.
• I could stay out, had lunch whenever I wanted and being a server administrator, could watch the entire building with an everlasting eye.
• I had books to read too! An air-condition! After all, the place that I was in charge in was the E-Plaza, a place where trainees relax. I was the undisputed emperer of the E-Plaza.
• Slowly but surely, the seniors in my department started to ORD. No new people were filling in the gaps. Stress started to build. More responsibilities slowly piled upon the current team.
• Went to Malaysia with my dear. Almost got a heart attack when he fell into a drain. It was... super beautiful.
  

4th Quarter - October to December 2008

• Life became indistinguishable between work and living itself. Stress had became synonymous with life.
• AVA Department was being torn from the inside out. Superiors started going crazy as the leaderships among the department started changing hands.
• From 12 people in our Department, we were reduced to 8, then to 6, and now 5. We has multiple rooms to control and millions of things to do. - Due to the old generation, we could not rub the word "slack" from our department. It seemed like the default comment people made.
  
• Games in my department seemed like a distant, pleasant memory.
  
• As the previous IC became increasingly distant, I was arrowed to fill in the administrative gaps. - I became the IC in the end.
  
• I made some real, dangerous enemies, and not much friends. It was the curse of being a leader.
• Church activities were in its super peak period, and hundreds of things had to be done. Magazines, Carolling and plenty of band practices.
  
• I finally reach the highest scale of stress I ever recorded in my life.

I thought that the media was bad. That the politics that they play within the mass communication industry was bad.
But this is far, far worst.

Your boss would backstab you and your entire department without a second thought, just because they don't like you.
At least, outside, your treated like human beings.

Here, you're treated worst then dogs - at least dogs have food to eat and a loving master.

Here, you're thrown to the sharks, with no lifeline, no weapon, and covered with blood. You have no voice to scream because your voice box was ripped out - nobody will listen.

You have no escape, because you can't - simply put, you're in a tank with no ladder and no escape route.

Even if you never did anything wrong, your boss would just lie to his superior and the people around him so that the punishment he envisioned would go through.
We are unable to reason with any of the bosses, because they believe - through his lies, that my department has no credibility.

We are so far away from the HQ that nobody here's our cry.
We don't have anybody above a corporal rank that can voice out any injustice.

The only thing that they hear are complains from the instructors here because the instructors don't get what they want.
But does the HQ give us the power to solve the problems? No.

We tell the instructors the orders that the HQ gives us. The instructors are not happy with that orders. They send a complain letter to the bosses that we are the one that are not cooperating.

Is that our fault? Truly?

It is not in the slightest way our fault.

But do we have a voice? no.

We are being punished, scolded, criticized, mocked and mistreated without the hope of ever being able to state our case.









... .............






2008 is a year of severe ups and severe downs...
I hate 2008..


.........

sigh.

with things as bad as they are in 2008, how much worse can it be in 2009..
..but i've got a gut feeling that some people are going to prove me wrong...






*stares blankly*